Saturday, May 23, 2009

Yet another reason winter is better...

WARNING: Like many of my posts, this one took a drastically different direction that I had planned... soooo... enter at your own risk!

The quills. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

So here's some pretty blurry shots of Ripper after the latest porcupine incident, sorry for the quality, I really wanted to show off that face of quills, but didn't have a lot of time before I needed to get down to business.

The funniest thing was what he was doing right here. There was a piece of fish on the ground and in true, oblivious-to-everything Ripper - was trying to eat the fish with a face full of quills. I don't think he really clued into WHY he couldn't gulp the fish down, so he kept going at it.  So I just started yanking quills out right there and it didn't even faze him.

I thought "wow, this is going to be easy!" But then... Rippers inner baby came out and he screamed and screeched and yelped at EVERYTHING. I fought and wrestled with him for over TWO hours and finally tired him out. Kind of. Then he'd get a second, third and fourth wind and fight me some more.

Two days later I'm still so sore from our wrestling match I can barely walk.  He was very insistent on not continuing the de-quilling process and fought me every inch of the way. My deck was (still is) covered in blood, I was covered in his blood spatter and so was Ripper. Those things tend to bleed a bit, especially out of the nose! 

He was like a little prize fighter trying to escape my death-grip on him.  When he did this, he'd inadvertently stab me with his quills (mental note: do NOT de-quill dogs in shorts!).

So, in conclusion: this is a great workout for anyone looking for a new training regime!!! I highly recommend it.

It is amazing he didn't get poked in the eyes by those things.

You can see the fuzzy white outline around his face, yep all quills. 

Ripper had to go to the vet though, since there were quite a few I couldn't get and one in particular that broke of right under his eye and was poking out sideways like an alien coming out of his face. But you couldn't get at it. And I know I'm stating the obvious here, but those quills are really meant to do some damage!

So... while he was in at the vet clinic, I decided to REALLY teach him a lesson and get him neutered as well. Eh, why not?  It was something I'd been meaning to do for awhile anyways, so why not kill two birds (or, balls) with one stone??  The vet staff laughed and kind of went "ooh, that'll show him not to get into porcupines."  I wish!

I know some of you are thinking, "but Stacie - poor Ripper, at 10yrs old how will removing his beloved testicles affect his self-esteem and ego?  He will be depressed and not feel like a man-dog anymore. How horrible!  Also, you have two intact females there, it will be torture for the poor guy!" 

Oh, not to worry my curious readers. I have invested in something to alleviate that particular situation:

Neuticles!* - The revolutionary testicular implant procedure for pets! At only $165/pair, it's well worth it for my (and Ripper's) peace of mind.
Various sizes. Ripper told me he needed the XL version, and who am I to argue??

Don'tcha just want to SQUEEZE it?!?!?

And here are some testimonials who made the wonderful decision to purchase this product for their beloved canines:
  • "He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one."  - Joe, Wisconsin
  • "The old way of neutering is 200 years old- Neuticles is about 199 years overdue!"  - Billy Bob, Arkansas
  • "Just call me a caring pet owner."  - Trish, Anchorage
  • "I've put off neutering "Crooked Joe" for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now- but dosen't know he's missing anything."  - John, Ohio
  • "I feel at ease knowing my faithful companion, Ripper, has come out of surgery feeling the same as he went in. Like a MAN. With a big ol' nutsack still intact."  - Stacie, Yukon.
And the best thing about all of this!?? I think I've just found next year's birthday presents for my mom and dad! (you seriously gotta LOVE the internet)
Neuticles earrings! What says "Happy Birthday, I love you" more than a set of fake silicone-injected dog balls to hang off your ears??

I can just picture my dad bbq'ing up his famous Beer Chicken on a sunny summer day wearing this!

Ok, I got sidetracked there a bit. SEE how I waste my weekends?!?!?!


Loki only had about 15 quills total, but trying to pull quills and inflict pain on a FREAKY dog is not my idea of fun. He was shaking so bad before I even started pulling, he was so freaked out by the whole incident. I think if Loki were to see another porcupine, he'd be the dog that would have learned his lesson and would leave a trail of dust as he runs the other way. Ripper, not-so-much.

The Aftermath: Loki. He currently has maybe two quills in his mouth, but we're working on those!  Clearly quills will not stand in his way of some good ol' fashioned fun with balls. (I am purposely refraining from any testicle jokes here!!)

The Aftermath:  Ripper, a VERY happy new Neuticles customer.  

* Thanks to Dave for pointing out this life-altering product that will keep my dog feeling like a... well, a dog. Without real balls, but with silicone-injected goodness. I hope the girl-dogs can't tell fake dog balls from real dog balls. Ok, I'm stopping now.


Lauras Garden said...

My 13 year old son and I often read your adventures together. We love Sage watching tv and howled through this post. Finally time to let you know how much we enjoy your blog.

SusanE said...

You are joking right? You didn't install fake balls did you?

I'm going to check when I get up there.

Meandering Michael said...

Ever thought about making and keeping a dog stockade handy? A good head holder and a box to cover the dog's body might be useful for quill-removing sessions.

If it works, I claim all intellectual property right.

dogsled_stacie said...

Hi LG! Thanks for reading! I will encourage Sage to keep watching TV! :)

Susan... now why would you doubt me?!?!

Michael - GREAT idea!!!!!

irundogs said...

Balls, testicles and nutsack? I think you're trying to generate traffic to your blog.


cool dogs said...

Did you offer Ripper his balls? was it the one (or two) things he actually hasn't tried to eat - nah, I bet he ate them anyway, lotsa protein...

AverageMom said...

Hopefully you know the trick of cutting quills so they deflate before pulling them out!
And please, PLEASE say you didn't really get him the implants!!

dogsled_stacie said...

Evan, you're onto my plan to bring more readers in. I should have mentioned how there will be less DOG PORN in the cabin now that this guy is neutered.

Jon - ew, I draw the line somewhere y'know!

AverageMom - that "trick" actually doesn't work at all! I've tried it, and experimented with many quills after the fact, and the problem remains - the quills are barbed on the end. They're buggers to pull out no matter what you do. I've pulled out many quills that the dogs have broken off and the broken ones did not come out any easier. And cutting them actually makes them harder to remove if you've shortened the quill!

Anyways - NO! I did not purchase the "neuticles"!! I did however fashion my own set of neuticles (well, not MINE... Rippers) using a bit of duct tape and 2 hackeysacks! They work great! A gift that keeps on giving for only under $10. :)

Grade Lodge said...

I know this probably sounds a bit "Martha Stewart-esque" but a little hydrogen peroxide on your desk will take those stains right out! Love the blog, as always!

RachelW said...

Oh, I love those neuticles! Haha! Keep the man in yer dog...

Kathleen said...


My hubbie just called out from the bedroom (where smart people are at this time of the day), "Are you OK?" I guess my laughing was pretty out of control. Thanks for making my day, er, evening!

(PS: I am sorry about the quills, though. I hate being impaled! But the neuticals are beyond hilarious!)

cool dogs said...

Hey Grade Lodge - what stains? what desk? I thought that was the floor! Anyway, is that manly Ripper I see in wheel on either side of all this hilarity - gotta change the photo now!

Grade Lodge said...

ah, oops, typo there..meant deck

Anonymous said...

I have to admit....those earrings are kind of pretty....


L-girl said...

I've had several friends tell me about neuticles, but none of them showed me the earrings! I'm ordering a pair right now!!


I prefer the porcupine portion of the post, personally. Thanks for the pics.

(That's almost poetry!)

dogsled_stacie said...

Jon - yes, those are Ripper's former balls on the left side of the background picture... oh the good ol' days...